


never, ever

by alpacas



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: -- but mostly i just wanted to take this opportunity to express here in these tags, Gen, i love? kagura?, kagura and akito character study, kagura character study, literally there are no relevant tags for this story --, that i love kagura??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 06:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacas/pseuds/alpacas
Summary: She! Who has the luck, the fantastic fortune, of being on Akito's best side of all!





	never, ever

**Author's Note:**

> i actually have always found it interesting that 
> 
> a) akito is a bundle of externalized misogyny  
> b) akito and kagura are just about the same age and  
> c) have never even shared a panel in the entire manga.
> 
> AND SO. (also, i love kagura. she's lowkey in my top three. so i really just wanted to go nuts from her beautiful selfish big hearted pov.)

 

 

> **i.**

 

It was strange, really.

Kagura had never really questioned it, but it had always been there in the back of her mind, itchy, begging for her attention as she visited Hatori in the hospital, Kisa in the hospital, Isuzu in the hospital and then again…

It had always been there every New Year's, sneaking out early to try and find Kyo. Not even sneaking! No, she'd announced it, loudly, happily. She'd held Kisa's hand the first time she'd returned to the Main House, her fingers trembling. She'd comforted Hiro, angry and afraid but too young to say why. Kagura had always seen the ripples, the shockwaves, the unspoken — the _things_ , the parts of being one of the twelve that were left unaddressed, _best_ unaddressed, whispers that could not be whispered about _"god"_.

Akito hurt people, sometimes.

Kagura had never been alone in a room with him.

Not even once.

She never thinks about it, never examines it, because first of all she's not _stupid_ , not about to look this stroke of luck in the face and question it, not after carrying so many flowers into so many hospital rooms. Isuzu's resentment and anger and despair creeps closer, washing over her, and Kagura! She laughs and tries to joke around! Picks up Isuzu's homework and teases her about her skinny wrists!

She! Who has never been punished for liking _the cat_. She! Who has the luck, the fantastic fortune, of being on Akito's best side of all: neither a favorite or an enemy, but invisible. So Kagura doesn't look.

Then comes the New Years that Yuki skips, that Kyo skips too (the maids seethe and Haru mentions it offhand, Kyo isn't around; Kagura notices too, of course, pangs of jealousy towards that Toru Honda, pangs of fear — that he'll slip out of her fingers — but no one else mentions it; the furor is over Yuki). Shigure talks quietly to Akito, his rage creeping across the room, washing over them all — New Year's isn't bad, usually, sure they're all kind of locked up together, but Kagura _likes_ her fellow zodiac, it's not bad to hang out — but they all sit quiet, avoiding meeting anyone's eyes.

Akito says he is sick. (Akito whines, Akito cries, these are not words Kagura can think, not about _"god"_ , but they are also words she thinks. She catches Ritsu's eyes, barely: he's not lifted them from the tatami in front of him in an hour, his skin clammy.) Akito leaves with Shigure and Hatori. For a strange moment, Kureno is left behind — he looks around, stricken, and then follows. Kagura wonders: when was the last time I said hi to him? I must have done so before, right?

— and then Akito is gone. The mood doesn't improve. Ayame lingers for a few minutes, loudly complaining that Yuki is a) gone and b) has disrupted his heretofore unannounced plans for a glorious reconciliation —

"Oh!" Kagura says brightly. "How wonderful, Acchan!"

"Yes, quite!" Ayame preens: he had been struck by an impulse, this past month (or so), upon hearing that his brother found refuge with Shigure as opposed to his own dear brother — (more than a month, closer to six months, has passed since then, Kagura is pretty sure, but —) and thus, Ayame has decided, in the spirit of the new year, for the "hope" symbolized by the rabbit and the "luck" symbolized by the dragon — also, Ayame's own year still being a full year away — but his explanation peters out, only Kagura and Haru mustering a polite reaction, Ritsu still too indisposed by Akito's glower — "Adieu!" Ayame announces, somehow tying it all together into his speech, and departs.

"Some New Year's!" Kagura sighs. Turning to the kids: "how about I get us some snacks?"

"Don't bother," says Isuzu.

"Well! Then you don't have to have any!" Kagura says as cheerfully as she can.

"Stop trying to force a good mood just because you're not the one Akito's mad at," Isuzu says.

He's not mad at you either, Kagura wants to say: it's still a couple of months before Isuzu is hospitalized, and longer still before she'll find out why. But Akito is always ready with a nasty comment for Isuzu, anyway, so the comment just sits there.

"I could use a snack," Haru says, making peace, bridging the gap, sitting right next to Isuzu. (Kagura has her suspicions.)

And so passes the last New Year's of the century.

 

> **ii.**
> 
>  

Kagura is jealous, too, when her parents forbid her from going to the beach house. Especially once she finds out everyone _else_ is going, more than Kyo. Even Isuzu doesn't show up at the house for a few days in a row — even _Isuzu_  is probably having fun at the beach.

She calls Ritsu and they meet up for lunch at a trendy cafe, Kagura lugging a tote bag full of college books along with her purse and cat backpack. Ritsu's wearing a long skirt and fussy blouse. "Ricchan, you know, I bet I have some more flattering skirts you could borrow, at least," she says when he sits down.

"Um — well — I like the long ones like this," he murmurs. "Kagura-chan, isn't this place awfully crowded?"

"But they're not that _cute_." Kagura waves off the concerns about crowds; for all his awkwardness, Ritsu has better reflexes than she does anyway.

"Cute outfits like yours don't suit me," Ritsu says, blushing. "A- after all, I am really just…"

"Hey, hey," Kagura says, waving off the speech she's heard too many times before. "If we're going to complain, can we at least complain about something more useful? Everyone — _everyone_ — is at the beach house, you know?"

"Mm, yes, I heard from my mother…" Ritsu trails off.

"Everyone but us! Doesn't that just piss you off?" Kagura slams her palm against the table, and then orders them strawberry milkshakes when the waitress comes by. "See? She's wearing a cute mini skirt, and it's not _too_ short. I think you could wear something like that."

Ritsu glances, and then looks away just as quickly. "I'm not brave enough."

"Hmm."

"You're very cute today, by the way," Ritsu says bashfully. "I like your dress."

"Thanks!" Kagura beams. "Actually, everyone in my college dresses _so_ stylishly, so it's like I gotta keep up. You wouldn't think so from a teaching college, but I guess it's more of a city atmosphere."

"I wish I had as much ambition as you," Ritsu frets. "I still haven't decided a major… I can't think of anything… I mean, I'm not even that good at anything… and you just started and you're already d- doing psychology…"

"I'm only a first year," Kagura corrects, propping her elbows on the table and her chin on her fists. "Just take over the hot springs! You've taken business management classes, haven't you?"

"I couldn't! I mean, I'd have to ask my parents, and also Akito, and… it's so far away, and I…"

"You'd ask Akito to take over your parents's inn?" Kagura interrupts, confused.

"O - of course. We have to have Akito's permission…"

"Do we?"

They stare confused at one another across the table as their milkshakes arrive. "Kagura-chan," Ritsu ventures slowly, "you're studying childhood education, right?"

"Mmhmm. Early education with a focus on troubled children who need extra care," Kagura says, tilting her head. "Or that's my plan, but I'm only in my first year."

"So you'd teach… both boys and girls?" Ritsu asks.

"Yes?"

"And you didn't ask Akito?"

"…Yes?"

"Kagura-chan!" Ritsu says in an urgent whisper. "There's no way he'd say okay! You'd get in trouble! What if one of them - you know, hugged you? Kids are like that! It - it would be a disaster! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry to have to tell you this and ruin all your dreams! I'm so —"

She pokes him. He whimpers. "Relax! I'm not great at it, but I've trained with Shihan enough that I think I can fend off a four year old. That part of my job will be years away." Kagura sighs. "You sound like my mom!"

"I don't know how you can be so relaxed about _him_ ," Ritsu says.

"Now you really sound like her! It's not like I'm scared of Akito…" Kagura trails off. She should be, right? She _is_. She doesn't want to disappoint Akito, of course. But if Akito never speaks to her… how disappointed can Akito be?

Ritsu whimpers.

"What?"

"Well…" he swallows, playing with his straw. "You… you're … you're awfully… n- not awfully! No, that was a poor choice in words! But you — you're —" Kagura waits, straw at the ready to poke him again if need be. "Don't you think you're a bit too easy-going sometimes?" he asks finally, after another minute or so stammering. "I mean… not… everyone in this world… will be nice, just because you 'think' they will be."

She gets this feeling sometimes, like she's standing at the edge of a door, barely open, barely open enough to peek inside. And then Kagura turns from it. "Mmm… not really!" she says, taking a long, happy sip from her milkshake.

 

> **iii.**

 

_Just let me try it on! Isn't it silly that you're always wearing a bracelet anyway, Kyo-chan?_

No. See? No. She'll turn away. If she's kind to everyone, if she's happy, if she's cute, if she's sweet, then they'll like her. They'll love her. She'll be a "good person." She'll be a likable person. They'll accept and forgive and like her. She'll make it so.

Why _doesn't_ Akito talk to her? Why is she so arrogant? Is she? For not being afraid? For bringing people flowers and feeling sorry and doing her best to cheer them up, but not being afraid, not being angry, because _she_ won't be hurt, she won't be attacked, surely not _her_ , she can even like _the cat_ — no! She loves Kyo, she loves him, she does — and it's fine, it'll all be fine. Isn't it good that Akito doesn't notice her? Isn't she lucky? Isn't she so much more free?

She does remember one time, actually. A couple of times. When she was small. They both were. Akito is only a few months older than Kagura is. (That's strange, though, isn't it? For Akito to have an "age?" But no: Kagura remembers him as a child, meeting him when she was a child.)

The first time she'd met him, she'd cried. She was probably only three or four… probably only remembers because it was Akito, because the spirit in her had pushed and pulled Kagura until all she could do was sit on the tatami crying, the way small children do, confused. Wordless. Akito had started to cry too, the "human" part of him, and had hugged her. The _"god"_ part.

She has impressions of meeting him other times — nothing clear. Akito always wearing a kimono, not registering in Kagura's mind as a "big kid" the way Kureno and Shi-chan and the others did, or a "baby" as Isuzu and Yun-chan were. Just as "Akito." Since they were the same age, they'd played together, hadn't they?

She'd gotten some dolls for her birthday and brought them to the Main House to show Akito. She was maybe five. They came with outfits, they were characters from a cartoon Kagura liked, little girls with magical powers and cute designs. Akito had liked them, hadn't he? Kagura remembers sitting with him, explaining the TV show, how Michi-chan got the blue dress and Mimi-chan got the pink one. Kagura remembers this, she knows she does, but it's a strange memory.

She remembers also that some grownups had come in and taken Akito, scooped him up. The grownups had been angry. _What are you doing?_ they'd said in angry voices that had frightened them both. _Those are girl's toys!_

Now that she's older, Kagura knows that's silly, boys can play with girls toys, dress in girls clothes, if they want to. It must be rough, really, growing up in _such_ an old fashioned household. But at the time, she was little, too. It had scared her. Had she broken some kind of rule? Showing girl's toys to a boy? (To _"god"_?)

In any case, they hadn't played together again after that. And soon Yuki was old enough to take his place.

Another lucky break for Kagura…!

(It was strange,

really.)

 

> **iv.**

 

Two weeks before the curse breaks, although Kagura does not yet know it, she makes an appointment at the main house, and Akito agrees to see her.

Kagura slides the paperwork across the table to him. "These are for you," she says. "Starting next month, I've been accepted into a social work course."

Akito scans the papers without picking them up or touching them.

"For the first portion, I'll be learning in a classroom, but eventually it'll be hand's on… you know, working with real children with supervision," Kagura says. She twirls a strand of her hair around her finger. "I'll try to make sure I do that work only around other girls, but…"

"When was it that you applied?" Akito asks, his tone expressionless. Even Kagura knows how odd that is.

"Last fall," she admits.

She was never punished for being in love with Kyo. She was never punished for being a girl in the zodiac. She was never singled out or spoken to, and so she did what she wanted, applied to whatever —

Akito's fingers curl into fists, but he does not overturn the table or strike. Does not do anything else at all. "I see," he says finally. "Is it… difficult to apply to these schools?"

"Umm…" she's taken aback, not sure about the question, if it means anything and if it does, what. "Not… really. I get decent grades."

"You've always only done whatever you wanted," Akito says quietly, running one of his fingers over the acceptance form, across her name and seal. "Charging ahead recklessly, forcing others to comply with your desires."

"No, I —" she feels like she's choking, gasping for air: thoughts don't even form. It's like when you're thrown unexpectedly, your mind not catching up with your body, crashing to the floor.

"But everyone seems to think highly of you," Akito says, as if finishing an idle thought. "Why?"

 _"God"_ is questioning her. The spirit in her stirs, thrashes, cowering on trembling hoof. Kagura sits frozen — and then lurches forward. Just an inch. "Because I care about them," she says.

"I see," Akito says, as if barely listening. His gaze remains focused on her papers, his expression fathomless, dark.

"Perhaps we can talk more. In the future," he says, at last, after an endless silence.

"Okay," Kagura says, her body feeling still detached and removed, the spirit still trembling, its heart racing.

"We have much in common," Akito says, as if finishing his thought. The spirit lurches to its hoofed feat, snout raised, and Kagura, suddenly, wants to cry. Akito pushes the paperwork delicately back towards her. She gathers it up, perplexed, overwhelmed. Not used to her heart being so _noisy_.

"That is all," says Akito, standing up and gathering his kimono about him.

 

> **v.**

 

 _We have much in common,_ Akito had said.

Was it charging ahead? Was it recklessness? Was it selfishness?

Was it caring?

What Kagura decides a few weeks later, when Akito greets the twelve and Kyo in a women's kimono, hair pinned and rogue adding color to pallid cheeks:

_Ah! It must be being girls the same age!_

One of those, certainly. At least.

 

> **vi.**

 

A year later, Kagura smoothes her skirt over her knees and orders a strawberry milkshake for herself, and a chocolate one for _"god"_. Not that, you know…

She grins. Akito, looking miserable in this crowded, cute cafe, is sitting with her shoulders hunched up, fingers digging into her pants. Ankle length jeans, dark, to go with the strappy sandals, the modest but fitted blouse. Kagura had tried to bully her into an adorable bracelet with a tasteful heart charm, but Akito had drawn a line and Kagura had decided to honor it. This time.

"Isn't this place just so great? I come here with my friends all the time," Kagura says.

"I don't like anything about it," Akito says.

"It's the kind of place cute girls our age love," Kagura continues cheerfully — she sees Akito react: step one, to raise herself up as if to remove; Akito on one side of the line, 'everyone else' and especially Kagura, especially 'cute girls' on the other. Step two: Akito freezes, falters. Remembers she _is_ a girl, trying to change, here of more or less her own volition, making amends and trying to learn, change, understand Kagura — not so much because Akito has a burning desire to befriend and get to know Kagura (Kagura isn't _stupid_ ), but because Kagura was the example of who not to be, _what_ not to be, as in: a girl. Of the same age. Step three: Akito realizes she is being teased. Akito breathes in, and out, through her nose.

"I don't like it," she says again.

"You haven't even tried the milkshakes yet," Kagura says.

"I don't have to try it to know I don't like it," Akito says vehemently.

"This is a normal place for people like us to hang out," Kagura says, and watches Akito go through all three steps all over again.

"You might… you may be teaching me how to better… be myself, but that doesn't mean I need to like everything you do," Akito says stiffly.

"But don't _good friends_ share things and go places together?" Kagura asks, watching amused as Akito tries to figure out what that means and how to respond. Really! How had she never known how fun Akito was?

"Besides," Kagura continues. "There's something… I wanted to ask you about. From when we were kids." She looks down at the table, her fingers clasped in her lap. Much like Akito had been a minute before. "Do you remember how we played together? A couple of times?"

Akito is silent. "Yes," she says finally.

"I was too young to really think much about it at the time. Maybe because I'm a little bit selfish, but I didn't take it as a rejection or anything when we didn't play together anymore." Or had she? She'd gone off and found Kyo a little after that. She'd wanted someone to play with. Someone who (couldn't) wouldn't leave. "But it _was_ my fault, wasn't it?"

"Ren found out," Akito says, her voice dark and sardonic and twisted — and yet her face affectless, eyes dark. "I only found that out much later. It was that woman's fault."

"I see… that's a relief! I've always kind of wondered… why you never spoke to me." Kagura laughs. Even though she was lucky. Even though she was spared. But why? Why only her? Why were the people she cared about hurt? Why wasn't she even able to say anything? Confront Akito about it?

"I liked playing with you," Akito says (Kagura's heart stops, although now there is no spirit inside her to make it so). When their milkshakes arrive, Akito takes a sip.


End file.
